When Life Falls Apart...

Hi blog friends. I'm sorry for my radio silence over the past couple of months... It's been a bit of a whirlwind and I'm only now feeling like my feet have touched the ground.

For me, life has done a total 180 in the past 4 or 5 months, and so I guess I wanted to give you a little update as to where I've been and to hopefully be a distant smile reminding you you're not alone, if you so happen to be going through something similar. So here goes..

If you've followed my social media for a while, you may know I had relocated to Sussex, gosh probably almost 3 years ago now (Jesus, time flies). I'd relocated to live with a partner and I must admit Sussex has definitely captured my heart.. I've never been a 'city girl' anyway so being somewhere where I have fields, hay bales, cows and just lots of open space on my 'commute' (7 minute drive) to work is ideal.

Back in November I started a marketing job at a Fine Fragrance House. I guess the easiest way to explain what I do is - my company creates fragrances for lots of brands; including some the cult 'blogger' favourites and also lots of other mainstream companies like all your standard supermarkets, and pretty much everything in-between. And these fragrances range from going into candles, beauty/personal care products and perfumes.

It's pretty much like my dream job, I basically have to keep up to date with beauty trends and create beautiful documents for all our fragrance submissions... Ideal right?

So of course, I guess this needs to lead me onto the title of this post, as so far all sounds so good. While my work life had finally sorted itself out, it seemed that at that moment everything else sort of had to crumble.

My relationship came to a bittersweet end, and I say bittersweet as although it was mutual, it was a lot to lose and definitely a loss I'm still learning to come to terms with. It was just one of those things where the timing just wasn't quite right and we both just needed some space to be ourselves. But, as a result it meant I was in theory homeless and needing to decide what the hell I would do with my life now.

I had a million and one questions and really not one solid answer. I didn't know where I was going to live; if I wanted to stay in Sussex alone.. or even if I could stay financially. I think at this time (which was probably around 4 months ago now) I truly hit rock bottom.

I came home to my mum and cried. No, I sobbed. I was completely lost and had no idea how to pull myself back up.

But life has a habit of moving on, and so I had to try and figure my shit out. I had my job which was one massive deciding factor - I wasn't willing to give up the job I'd waited so desperately for. I'd been in some terrible jobs previously and so I just couldn't bear to leave and start again. So that was that, I was going to stay in Sussex alone.

I found myself a room in a share house, which was obviously a bit of a ego knock having come from my own flat. I went from saving for my own house to paying rent to live in someone elses, but I have to say it's actually a lovely house and I couldn't really have found anywhere better. So, it's taking some getting used to and there's been many sleepless nights, but I'm getting there. I'm learning to be alone again, and understanding who I am and what I want.

Sleep (or the lack of it) and general anxiety has been a real issue for me in the past months. I started having I guess what you would call sleep terrors? So lots of really vivid dreams, and waking up seeing things and I guess not really being able to identify the distinction between what is real and what was a dream. These episodes left me feeling really scared which obviously meant sleeping was challenging. I guess it was just my anxiety manifesting itself.

I found Yoga, which has been an amazing coping mechanism for me. It allowed me to dedicate some time to myself and to feel peaceful with myself, which I think was key for a time where I was focused on such uncertainty.

The whole premise behind Yoga being so rich in self-love, patience and non-harming taught me to value myself, and to be kind to myself - taking each day one at a time. I didn't need to have everything figured out, I just needed to take steps each day to feel a little better. To ride the wave.

I feel like my path right now is certainly leading me on a more spiritual journey. I'm seeking the things that light me up, and that bring true joy to my heart. I'm being more authentically me, and not dimming myself to fit a life I think I should have, or an image I think I should portray. I guess that's why I've been so quiet across my social media lately.. I just don't know what to share at this point. I feel like I'm on such a learning-curve and am in a place where everything is so unfamiliar I'm not sure what I can say about what I'm doing or feeling.

I've been exploring; learning about crystals, chakras, the moon cycle and the energetic flow of the world.. I guess just tuning into the present moment and learning more about myself. I'm becoming far more conscious of the world and not only what I can bring to it, but also what I am receiving.

A wonderful book that really helped me through my transition period was Rebecca Campbell's Light Is The New Black. I'd really recommend this for anyone who is feeling lost.

Yesterday was my 25th birthday. I started my youtube channel when I was 15, so I've kind of a had a social media presence for the past 10 years and I've shared a lot in that time, but I've also kept a lot from you. When I started my channel I was just a teenager living in a home rife with aggression and sadness. It was my own little bubble where I could escape real life and be surrounded by the things I enjoyed. It wasn't until I went to Uni when my interaction with social media came to a stand still and I guess it just created a bit of a barrier. I didn't know how to be living in real life and be a part of my virtual life at the same time.

After being gone for so long I never really knew how to come back ... I didn't even really think I could. I'd never been in a partnership before, and looking back on my time in my relationship (which for the record I can't say a bad word about), I've acknowledged that I was probably living my life for them rather than for me. I got caught up in being a pair and sadly lost myself in the process. I guess I never really figured out where I fit in, you know? Living that way left me confused; confused about myself and what I enjoyed and what made me happy, and I guess I felt like I had nothing left to share.

So I guess that's why my posts have been less and less frequent, especially as of late, and I am sorry for that. To this day I still get comments and messages from many of you asking if I'm ok or telling me that you miss my content and it sort of just blows my mind that you guys still care after all this time. So I wanted to give you all a bit of an explanation as to where I've been and what's been going on.

I didn't feel like I could come back to making content and just brush everything under the rug and pretend to be normal. Things aren't 'normal' for me at the moment, but I'm working on it - and hopefully I can learn to share that with you a little more, and maybe we can all learn to not feel so alone. C x

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